I am not who you think I am.
Still working on that whole Love Wins thing.
sigh.

So you think you understand...

If you are thinking I am not taking something seriously enough because you cannot see the blood from my broken heart spilling out all over the floor, ok, that's good cause that would scare people.

Maybe, what you are seeing is me standing on the rock of my faith - my incredible Father, Who is working things out in our lives.

Or, maybe what you are seeing is some therapeutic dancing and singing because I am intentionally choosing not to live in the pain every. moment.
You know they say you cannot judge a book by its cover... along those same lines - you cannot always see the brokenness in a life by looking at someones' face.

Imma gonna dance on - with you or without you, it's ok. I have friends who get it.

New Adventure

Today.
Today was my first afternoon as an "empty nester".
The most recent children in our house launched this morning. I spent a bit of the day on the road. I drove one of the children to the 1st day of school, came home - the other child left with mom to begin a new adventure. Drove my oldest to work because of car trouble and rain, had coffee and lunch. Drove back home. Drove back to school to deliver papers, then to pick up oldest from work. Drove with oldest child (adult child actually, but since I'm talking about my empty nest... child ...) to location of the troubled car where I assisted by straightening up my car a bit, playing with my camera, then reading while I waited. Drove home.

I experienced answered prayer twice today. Both times the prayers were answered within an hour, the second prayer within 15 minutes actually. I do not believe in coincidence. I asked, He answered.
Kind of like -
"God! Father! Are you there?"
"I am."
He reassures His child.

I see the empty rooms and I feel ... I feel, quiet.
I do not know what I will feel tomorrow as I wash linens, make beds, put away toys, but right now, I. just. feel. quiet.
I feel at peace.

We will put our house in order and then we will wait. We will wait upon the Lord.

Tomorrow I intend to sit out on the deck with my Bible, my journal, a cup of coffee and my camera. There will be no one bickering in the sandbox, because there will be no one playing in the sandbox.

I will wait, with a grateful, praise-filled heart.
I do not need to "find my new self" because I have heard a whisper, I have felt His eyes upon me. He hears my voice, I know that He is near and I know that I am His. I am His, and I breath and I move and I wait.
Tomorrow, who knows, maybe despair will find me, maybe I will be walking in the valley. But, for this day I certainly understand what it is to delight in the Lord. I am feeling the peace that passes understanding. It's good.

He. IS. good.

Today was a hugging day. That is what our 3 said. And she said, "tomorrow is a hugging day too." I don't know why. And our 6, he hugged a lot too. I don't know why. Hugging is good. I told her hugging is good, then left her so she could go to sleep.
I think God is up to something.
We'll see.

Receiving the word no.

By 9 am I was ready for and in need of a "do over".
No. How many times a day do I say no to my Father? And how is my spirit when He says no to me? So many words have been written on prayer, specifically unanswered prayer. We do not like "no".

So, I'm getting ready to make lunch for the little ones and am able to breathe again. I sure don't know what was going on this morning with the 2 year old princess, but apparently leaving the house to pick-up our 5 year old has caused a refreshing wind to blow through - my brain - my heart - my soul - my - ? All of that I think. Well, it sure has blown through and now we get a crack at the afternoon. Another chance. Back to the making lunch thing - I'm making lunch and I am thinking about the morning, and then my blog comes to mind and I think - Love Wins. Cracked me up. Massive fail. But then, I need to remember that love wins because I am so not there yet. So, just so you know - the name of my blog is Love Wins because I need to get there, not because I am there.

More thinking. This morning; she is a reflection of me. Looks like I may have been the problem. Oh my, will I ever get there. I have found a community of women with children who I can follow, I think of them and comparatively, I have no challenges. That's not true, we do have our challenges, and I believe it is attachment disorder.

February 11 Devotional
"The Lord your God will cleanse your heart...
so that you will love Him with all your heart and soul."
Deuteronomy 30:6

I am counting on Him because I sure don't have the love or the strength. It is loving Him, knowing that He loves me, that He loves them, that encourages me to stay the course when I just want to stop, give up, quit. Guess they're stuck with me.

* It’s not what you can do for God. It’s what God has done for you. * It’s not what you can give God. It’s what God has given to you. Nancy Leigh DeMoss

2Peter 1:3-4 His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us to His own glory and excellence, by which He has granted to us His precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.

ohhh. Yes. And I was thinking that I was doing what He has asked me to do. And I am. Sometimes thinking , how incredible that He has trusted me with so precious a gift, the opportunity He has given me to serve Him, to be His hands. And I think, I can give Him my best. Yet I don't think it's my best, but I try. I show up. And so many days I don't want to show up. I want to stay in bed. Or go to work. Work would be easy.
He goes on to say to be diligent, to make every effort

For this very reason [because of all these things God has done for you], make every effort [or be diligent, as some of your translations say] to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love (verses 5-7).

2010. What do I want 2010 to be?
I am not a resolution maker, because I have found, as have so many others, that resolutions only beg to be broken. Yet, looking at the year ahead I have decided I would like this to be a year in which I learn to listen more than I speak. The tongue. Again, the tongue. I have worked on a variation of this in the past, learning to have a least a bit of grace in my words. Learning to hold my tongue, at least a bit. Huge stuff. And I have seen some success in these endeavors. So. Again, to hold my tongue and to listen.
I like what one of my pastors once pointed out - God has given us two ears and only one tongue, so we were meant to listen more than we speak.
And. My face. I do not possess a "poker face". I find it difficult to hold my hand in secret, my face tells all. I can tell you I am not happy without speaking a word. Of course we can all do that, but sometimes it does not benefit, to wear your heart on your sleeve or your thoughts on your face.

Along with listening more and speaking less I have decided to borrow a goal from someone else - Ann Voskamp has said on her blog http://www.aholyexperience.com/ that she desires to make this a year of "yes". I would also like to make this a year of yes.