Sunday, July 22, 2018

Be Strong Of Heart And Wait

Psalm 27:1-14
The Lord is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid?
One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and seek Him in His temple.
For i n the day of trouble He will keep me safe in His dwelling; ...

I am confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;

be strong of heart and wait for the Lord.

I wrote this probably 2 years ago, I have returned to my blog and found this verse.
Heard this verse in church Saturday evening.



What I Know.


I know that my Father will never leave me, He will never forsake me.
I know He always waits for me, however far I wander off.
I know He waits for me to turn and see - there He is.  Waiting.
I know that in times of despair I would be wise to run to Him.
I know His Spirit that He left with us wants to surround me and bless me with the peace that passes understanding.


What I do. 
I wander off, distracted by a shiny thing, a bird, a butterfly...
I run off in fear.
I curl up under my blanket and just wait for the minutes to tick by - in my despair.
I cover my ears with my hands and sing, lalalalalalalala, I can't hear You - in my failure to walk in my faith.
I think there is no one to hear me, I feel alone - not remembering Your promises

Still working on the Love Wins thing. I fear I will never get there.

Update.
We are now a family of 6.  I love to say that. If you count marriage, we are actually a family of 7.
Our guardianship has turned into adoption, our situation is sanctioned by law and permanent.  We no longer need to fear separation.  Praise God.
All good .
Yet, I return here tonight because all is not well in my world.
I read this line the other day: we all secretly desire to be loved.
I attended a church that proclaims Love Everyone Always.
I attend a church that proclaims You Are Loved.
I proclaim Love Wins. (before Rob Bell published it).
I long for it, yet I am so bad at doing it.
My family of origin - a mess.  My heart breaks. We are so disconnected.  I search the Word to hear that I can just let this be. I can shake the dust off my sandals and walk away. Yet, I am pretty sure I cannot simply walk away.
I desire to be loved. I desire to let my family know I love them. I long to embrace them and to be embraced by them.
When I am. Embraced by them, I scream inside - it is not deep enough. You. Do not love me enough.
And then my heart breaks.
I had opportunity to love and I did not.  Instead I threw a tantrum like a 3 year old. Because I felt left out.

He drew a circle that shut me out.
Heretic. Rebel.
A thing to flout.
But love and I had wit to win.
We drew a circle that took him in.

I learned this little poem in grade school. THIS is who I want to be, who I long to be. I know I can cite Bible verses to support it, and, I failed.
My only comfort is that God loves me because I am His, not because of what I have done.
I pray and wait for another chance.

I will wait upon the Lord.

Be still and know that I am God.
Psalm 46:10

I will wait, He will fight for me.
My hope is in Him. The only thing I can do, the best thing I can do is to lay it down before Him.